WEBVTT
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Welcome to season five of SEL in EDU.
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This is a space for educators who believe social emotional learning isn't an add-on.
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It's part of how we teach, lead, and show up every day.
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I'm Dr.
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Krista Lay, and in each episode, we'll explore real stories, practical strategies, and the human side of learning that helps schools grow with intention.
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Perspective is a powerful thing.
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It shapes how we interpret student behavior, how we respond to challenges, and how we decide what truly matters in education.
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Sometimes a small shift in how we see a situation can completely change how we support the people in front of us.
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In today's episode, I'm joined by Tom Stecker, an educator and consultant who has spent more than 40 years helping schools step back and reconsider their lens.
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As one of the original developers of the nationally recognized student assistance program model, Tom has worked with students, educators, administrators, and school boards across the country, always returning to one central belief that education works best when we keep people at the center.
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Our conversation explores how perspective influences school culture, decision making, and the balance between academic outcomes and human connection.
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Tom reminds us that when we shift how we see students and staff, we often shift what becomes possible for them.
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I grish that.
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Hello, Tom.
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I'm so excited that we have a chance to record because we're calling these couple episodes SEL in EDU to be continued.
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We had this amazing conversation a couple weeks ago and it would have been great for the podcast.
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So we're circling back around again and talking about perception, possibilities, and purpose.
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15 years ago, I was asked by an assistant superintendent in a school district, would you do a keynote for us?
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I said, sure, happy to do that.
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Back to school kind of thing, motivational.
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And I said, What would you like the topic to be?
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He said, Well, do anything you want.
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It's wonderfully empowering and really challenging.
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Most of my thoughts were around wellness of the staff.
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However, driving to the event that early morning, this idea comes to me.
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The voice in my head says, talk about perspective, possibilities, purpose, and passion.
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The rest of the drive, I'm formulating what I'm going to say.
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You know that I always arrive places early.
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I get there early and I'm jotting down notes in the parking lot, little scribbles.
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And that's what I went with, and it was wonderful.
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I kept working with that, and that brings us to today.
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We're going to start with perspective and what that means.
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And I realized in my notes that I wrote perception, but they are similar.
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They're the same root word.
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Perspective is one of the skills under social awareness.
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And I think it's important to think about we can also have perspective on ourselves.
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So I do think it can be under self-awareness as well.
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Yes.
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If we have a strong perspective and the ability to take perspective, we're able to achieve.
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So many things begin with perception.
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Perspective leads to um understanding, leads to empathy, leads to compassion.
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When you say that perspective is part of social awareness, correct?
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Yes.
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Absolutely.
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Our perspective is our worldview.
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How do I see this diverse uh society that I live in, this world society?
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That's critically important.
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Self-awareness.
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I need to have a perspective on myself.
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You do work on yourself every day.
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I do work on myself every day.
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Most of the books I read, the first series of notes I make are about me.
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What's the author saying to me so that I can grow and learn more?
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Every morning I do many things in my meditation practice, but one of the things I do, I read a passage from the Enneagram every day about my type and what I need to do today to be the best version of myself.
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I think perspective goes all the way to responsible decision making.
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Tell me more about that one.
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So responsible decision making, as I drill down into that, it's about making choices.
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To make a healthy choice, I have to have a balanced, healthy perspective.
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Yeah.
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And so many of my role models have taught me that.
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I think we probably could dig deep enough, and I'll ask our listeners to think about this.
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Maybe perspective is a part of every competency in social emotional learning.
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I also feel that whole responsible decision-making category.
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While I understand its purpose, it's a complex set of skills that really deserve their own time to be broken down into micro moves.
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We have the skills under the other competencies.
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I feel like here's the skill, and then what are you doing with it?
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Yeah.
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Where responsible decision making comes in.
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One of the pieces that really hit me as I was looking at it is that our experiences, our emotions, our beliefs shape how we perceive the world.
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Our perception is how we make meaning of information coming down and how we interpret it.
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It reminds me similarly to when we look at emotions, that your emotions are innate things that come up in your body, but your feelings are how you interpret those emotions.
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Social emotional learning gives you that space between the innate and those experiences and the interpretation.
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Frankel talks about that.
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Stephen Covey talks about that.
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It's that one ten thousandth of a second from some event, some experience, to how am I expressing my feelings?
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What am I sharing?
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I have this emotion, it's probably bodily.
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There's a feeling aspect.
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Now what do I do with that?
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That's where choice comes in.
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Stimulus response.
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One of my favorite formulas is events plus response equals the outcome, which is from Jack Canfield.
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One of the things that's always interested me with responsible decision making.
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I think it's a cumulative thing.
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So self-awareness, we have to start there.
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And that moves us to self-management, then social awareness and relationship skills.
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Relationship skills deeper dig under social awareness, really making a vulnerable, more intimate, trusting commitment.
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I cannot be a good responsible decision maker with some level of awareness and expertise in the previous four.
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Think our world right now is abundant with poor, responsible decision makers.
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Because they're lacking those critical foundational skills.
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Exactly.
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Self-management, self-awareness is not there.
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People lack of caring for each other, social awareness.
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So that's always kind of moved me, that idea.
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When you were talking about leaders, that linked to something I had not considered before in some of the research, how does lack of perspective influence our behaviors?
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And that could be a good or a bad thing, but the two pieces that came up that really intrigued me was Harold Web's work around a growth mindset.
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Okay.
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If our perspective, how we interpret a challenge based on what's happened in the past or how we see effort that we put forward as either being failure or growth.
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Our past experiences, if how we look at things, our perspective is either, and there's a bit of hope in here.
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If I do this, here's what's possible.
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And that's why we're going to talk about possibilities in the next one.
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My past experience shapes my perspective that I don't have agency.
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You mentioned two things that really resonate with me.
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The first is hope.
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Please, let's come back to that.
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I think it's important.
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And there's a lot of people writing and researching around hope right now.
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The other piece are these limiting beliefs.
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We always have a choice.
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In the worst possible situations in our life, we have a choice.
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That brings me back to Han Selyer's work with stress management and the whole stress cycle.
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We have this thing happens, you know, blank happens.
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The first step is my assessment of that.
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I saw it in my own children growing up.
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I had one child who the X could happen, and it would be a major emotional event.
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And I had another child, the same exact thing could happen, and no reaction at all.
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So our assessment, we have so much power in that.
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Folks are not aware, and I honor and respect everybody who's gone through challenge.
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As you know, the greatest challenge of my life has been the death of our daughter.
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And in that moment of saying our final goodbye, coupled with the tremendous grief, there's also this transformational experience, this spiritual experience, this one with the universe experience.
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I don't share that often, but Susan Kane's book, Bittersweet, really sums it up beautifully.
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There's an assessment.
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Who do I want to be right now?
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What do I want to do right now?
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Do I want to blame and lash out?
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No.
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I don't.
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To honor my daughter, who was not that kind of person.
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She was unconditional love.
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So I want to emulate that.
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Those choice moments in our life.
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I would love people to dig deeper and explore how important and powerful those choice moments are.
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They happen all the time.
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And I think in hearing what you're sharing, thank you for sharing that moment where both things were happening at the same time.
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Yes.
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There was grief and something bigger.
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Yes.
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Our choice can be to accept both at the same time.
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Krista, what you're sharing right now, I think, is critically important.
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We actually are more innately both and than we are either or.
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The either-or comes from societal structuring that has been imposed upon us.
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We need to reclaim that both and.
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We see the both and in the innocent child all the time.
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Both feelings are expressed.
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Society tries to box us.
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So you bring up an interesting piece about complex emotions and how they're uncomfortable.
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Oftentimes in schools, we're talking about building emotional literacy with our students, having them move beyond those core five innate emotions, and exploring the beauty that is the feelings, which often combines those emotions together.
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I'm wondering if some of that is because we're not comfortable sitting in those more complex emotions, and it's easier to just pick something that's more I'm mad, I'm sad, instead of exploring that further, because perspective taking does ask that you go beyond what you're comfortable with, what you feel you already know.
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Yep.
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That moment where we take a breath, where we pause, you're really talking about mindfulness.
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Mindfulness is not only sitting on my floor meditating.
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Mindfulness is taking those moments, taking that pause and say, wait a minute.
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And I don't have to act, I don't have to respond.
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It's okay to sit with this.
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We're applauded to drive, drive, drive.
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Wait a minute.
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Human being, not human doing.
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I just need to be here for a little while.
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So many of the great teachers have talked about that.
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We don't always have to do something.
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It's easier to walk away from a computer.
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You feel a pressure to respond right away, but that's us putting that on ourselves.
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I need a couple minutes to rethink this or to have a pause and collect my thoughts.
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It hits on something else around people's willingness to change, the flexibility, the adaptability based on perception.
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If they feel that their identity is being threatened in some way, they're not seeing here's an alternative strategy or here's a different path.
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They're hearing what I'm doing isn't good enough.
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So much in there.
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The idea of educators through professional development helping their students understand the things we're talking about right now.
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That's growth.
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As we grow and change, our perception expands, which is something that both of us love.
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You know, that's why we keep reading, that's why we keep researching.
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And every interaction we have, there's an opportunity.
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That brings us to the whole social awareness piece.
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You are a traveler, you and your husband love to travel.
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That has been proven to expand our perception, to expand our social awareness, respect for life, and developing empathy.
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Oh, so yeah, I'm so glad you brought up empathy because a book called Stoic Empathy talks about two different types of empathy.
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She describes it as cognitive empathy and affective empathy.
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Okay.
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Affective empathy is the compassion, the acting on something.
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And she describes cognitive empathy as the logic behind it.
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Like you understand why somebody's doing something.
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And she actually says, is perspective taking.
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So I know you and I have done lots of research around empathy and different people's perspectives at logical empathy.
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Maybe you're not feeling, but you can understand why they're feeling that way or why they're doing what they're doing.
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Fascinating.
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You mentioned understanding twice.
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There's helping our students understand, and first the adults in PD, this idea of perception, it's not a hard and fast this equals this.
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It's a continuum.
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Our perception leads us to understanding.
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As that understanding develops, my empathy expands.
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And then, of course, where we take action, there's compassion.
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I'm pretty sure in Brene Brown's newest book, she mentions those two concepts: the cognitive empathy and the affective empathy.
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That was new to me.
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Cognitive empathy is understanding.
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Yes.
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It's seeing somebody else's viewpoint.
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Yeah.
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Or the idea that they have a different viewpoint that's valid.
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Sometimes I might not understand where somebody's coming from, but I understand that's their truth.
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And I'm okay with it because mine is different.
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Think about how empowering that statement is when we bring it as a lesson to our students.
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This person over here and this student over here, we have different perspectives.
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Let's talk about that.
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Let's really help each other see what that is, to at least come to that place of cognitive empathy.
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Then, if there's an affected empathy, that's kind of like ice cream on the cake.
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That goes back to your point about in the classroom within a learning experience, we're making space for the both and in discussions, in conversations.
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Oftentimes it seems that we feel we need to get somebody to change their mind to get perspective.
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I don't think somebody has to change their mind to have perspective.
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And maybe that needs to be a goal for our learning experiences, for our classrooms, for our workshops, that there is space for both.
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That's transformational education.
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If we can have our friends who are listening now talk to each other, talk to you and I about that possibility.
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I really think it's transformation.
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These are relatively new ideas to bring into the classroom.
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Where we're speaking here, I'm seeing the opposing forces.
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And there's a beautiful few lines by Rumi, one of my favorite poets.
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Out beyond doing and wrongdoing, there's a field.
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I'll meet you there.
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That's honoring both places.
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And finding that middle ground, you know, very Buddhist concept.
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I'll find that middle ground.
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I don't have to agree with you.
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I just need to live with you.
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Yes.
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It reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister a couple weeks ago.
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She's like, here's why I think this, here's why.
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And I'm like, I get it.
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I do.
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But I would not have done the same thing.
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I live in a different path.
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I'm not saying that I just can't get behind your path, but I understand all the experiences, the emotions, your lived history until that point.
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Yeah.
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And mine brought me somewhere else.
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It is okay for both parties.
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And can we honor that?
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If that brought your sister a level of health, a level of joy, a level of comfort with who she is, great.
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Perfect.
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What you're talking about now brings me to one of the latter prompts.
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You asked, what signals tell you someone's perception is limiting rather than expanding then?
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It's our health.